i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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