just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
