i think my tv is drunk
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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