I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
