I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
only if we run a train.
done.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
