He uses pillows to masturbate.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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