please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize