I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
