how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
