You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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