Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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