And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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