I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
