3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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