that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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