Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
