What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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