WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
