I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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