ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
