my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
