: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
