they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize