Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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