I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
