A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
