Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
