Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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