Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
