Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
