Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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