enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
