She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
