I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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