it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
