Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
