we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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