So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
