I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
please don't ironically join a cult
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