I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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