what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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