I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
