took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I FOUND THE LEGS
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
