Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
