There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
