I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
