I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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