Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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