I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Pants are for mortals
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
