after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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