I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
