Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
