So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
