i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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