Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
