I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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