Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
