Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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