Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
