I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
