Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
